Discovery Girls

People change over time, so it’s not surprising that many girls find themselves facing a best friend break-up at some point in their middle-school years. If you handle the break up carefully, both you and your (ex) best friend are more likely to feel good about yourselves and each other. Not quite sure how to get from here to there? Keep reading!

Rule #1: Think it through. Real friends aren’t easy to come by, so if yours has been with you through good times and bad, think extra hard before you walk away. Remember, no friendship is perfect all the time. Ask yourself if it’s possible that your friendship has just hit a tough spot, not its final note. Or are you rushing to end a good friendship over a fight that could be easily made up? Even if you still decide to end it, you’ll feel so much better knowing you’ve given it the serious consideration it deserves.

Rule #2: Be kind. So you definitely want out. Before you do anything else, make a vow that you’re going to move on without stomping all over her feelings. Don’t ignore her, “forget” to return her calls, or start picking fights. And never, ever vent about her to your other friends. It’ll only make both of you feel terrible if she finds out—and she probably will.

Rule #3: Move on gently. So how do you end it? Should you come right out and say, “I don’t want to be your friend anymore?” Probably not. That would make her feel terrible, and it wouldn’t do much for you, either. Instead, work on putting a little space between you, so you both have room to make other friends. You might say something like: “I’m really glad we’ve been so close for so long, but I feel like we’re both changing, and maybe we don’t have so much in common anymore. I want to be able to hang out with other friends more.” Then follow through, but don’t turn your back on her completely. Don’t snub her in the hallway, and don’t get yourself a new BFF overnight. (How hurtful would that be?) Stay friendly, but branch out and make other friends, too. Chances are she will too, and the old friendship will slowly fade away. 

If your friend is really not ready for things to change, though, there’s also a chance she’ll start clinging to you desperately—or get angry and turn into your enemy. If things get too sticky, you may need to talk to an adult you trust to sort out the best way to handle the situation. Whatever else happens, though, remember Rule #2. Even if she insists on getting nasty, take the high road. In the long run, you’ll be glad you did.

Rule #4: Look for the middle ground. Maybe you don’t have to break off the friendship completely—maybe you just need to scale it down. Sometimes people grow in wildly different directions but still like each other. Ask yourself if there’s room in your life for a casual friendship with her. After all, you don’t have to stop speaking just because you’re no longer finishing each other’s sentences. Maybe you can find a cozy space for her, somewhere between BFF and Some Girl I Used to Know.

Rule #5: Expect a rough ride. Don’t be surprised if you find yourself missing her a lot…or feeling guilty that you don’t. In fact, don’t be surprised if you feel all kinds of weird emotions. Even if the whole thing was your idea, losing a friend is almost never easy. The good news? The emotional rollercoaster won’t last forever. Keep reminding yourself that this is the right thing to do, and that you’ve done your best to be fair and kind to both of you. Then, start getting over it. Explore your interests. Invite new friends over. Before you know it, you’ll be feeling better. As one DG reader puts it, “At first, I was disappointed that my ‘friend ’til the end’ and I were going in opposite directions. But I’ve learned that it’s okay. We had a great friendship. I can look back and smile because having a ‘friend till the end’ taught me a lot about friendship. And who knows? There might be a new ‘friend till the end’ right around the corner.”